r/shortscarystories
5 yr. ago
hyperobscura
𝐅𝐋𝐄𝐓𝐂𝐇𝐄𝐑 𝐅𝐋𝐄𝐒𝐇𝐘 𝐅𝐀𝐁𝐑𝐈𝐂𝐒 𝐅𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐄𝐑 𝐅𝐄𝐄𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐒©
Would you like a finger in your mouth? How about two? How about the whole hand? If your answer to any of these questions is a loud, resounding YES (as well it should be) then boy do we, your friends over at 𝐅𝐋𝐄𝐓𝐂𝐇𝐄𝐑 𝐅𝐋𝐄𝐒𝐇𝐘 𝐅𝐀𝐁𝐑𝐈𝐂𝐒, have news for you!
Introducing RIGHT NOW the revolutionary, reactionary, rejuvenating, resolute, re-revolutionary, utterly repulsive 𝐅𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐄𝐑 𝐅𝐄𝐄𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐒©!
Imagine if you will a piece of toast, fresh out of the toaster, sizzling hot, like blazing hellfire. You can’t very well grab it with your bare hands, now can you? No, that’d be stupid. You’d probably end up losing one or several limbs, and we can’t have none of that outside of 𝓐𝓶𝓹𝓾𝓽𝓮𝓮 𝓢𝓮𝓪𝓼𝓸𝓷. It’s against the law you know!
The answer? 𝐅𝐋𝐄𝐓𝐂𝐇𝐄𝐑 𝐅𝐋𝐄𝐒𝐇𝐘 𝐅𝐀𝐁𝐑𝐈𝐂𝐒 𝐅𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐄𝐑 𝐅𝐄𝐄𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐒©! Not only do they look like hands, they feel like hands too. Our scientists have spent decades locked in our subterranean laboratory searching for a way to perfectly replicate the subtle intricacies of the human hand, all the way down to the warts and dirty fingernails.
Our state of the art N̴E̴R̴V̴E̴ ̴R̴E̴P̴L̴A̴C̴E̴M̴E̴N̴T̴S̴ will, through an easy to use, totally safe ish guiding system help you maneuver those greasy old mittens toward the general direction of your sustenance, and with the flip of a switch, or in this case a fleshy appendage hauntingly reminiscent of an oversized uvula, the 𝐅𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐄𝐑 𝐅𝐄𝐄𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐒© will gently (or not so gently, depending on your feeding fancies (no judgements here)) smear the insides of your mouth lovingly, passionately, sensually, with the nutritional product of your choosing.
Mmm, imagine that. A wrinkly old thumb caressing your gums with greasy bits of burgers and mushy gravy-covered sausages. A filthy index finger stroking mayonnaise and spray cheese around your lips seductively.
Heaven in a Hand! A totally realistic, not-at-all real and living, hand, haha!
You don’t have to worry about paying. You don’t even have to worry about ordering. Check your kitchen drawers. Where’d those forks go? The tongs? The oven mittens? They’re all gone! We’ve replaced them for you!
Everyone uses 𝐅𝐋𝐄𝐓𝐂𝐇𝐄𝐑 𝐅𝐋𝐄𝐒𝐇𝐘 𝐅𝐀𝐁𝐑𝐈𝐂𝐒 𝐅𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐄𝐑 𝐅𝐄𝐄𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐒© now. It’s not a question. It’s not even a choice. It just is what it is. And what it is, is the future of fine dining!
Remember, here at 𝐅𝐋𝐄𝐓𝐂𝐇𝐄𝐑 𝐅𝐋𝐄𝐒𝐇𝐘 𝐅𝐀𝐁𝐑𝐈𝐂𝐒, it’s perfectly acceptable to bite the hand that feeds you. We even encourage it! Nothing like some “synthetic” blood to season your food while you’re chewing it.
No need to thank us.
We’re simply here to serve ₣ⱠɆ₮₵ⱧɆⱤ.
As are you.
𝐅𝐋𝐄𝐓𝐂𝐇𝐄𝐑 𝐅𝐋𝐄𝐒𝐇𝐘 𝐅𝐀𝐁𝐑𝐈𝐂𝐒 are in no way responsible for any mutilations, deaths or massacres related to misuse of the 𝐅𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐄𝐑 𝐅𝐄𝐄𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐒©. DO NOT CLEAN THIS PRODUCT. Leave it instead in a bowl of blood overnight, virgin or newborn preferably, and make sure to NOT TOUCH IT before every last drop is gone. Should it go missing during a nightly “self cleaning sequence”, please make sure to BURN DOWN YOUR HOUSE.