• I'm an idiot and I do stupid things. Please be patient with me.
• If I can't bring my dog, I'm not going.
• I'm in another world right now. Please leave a message after the tone.
• I'm too tired to think of a clever bio.
• I'm a hot mess.
• I'm in a committed relationship with <your fav food/show/brand/website/etc>.
• Please don't talk to me.
• By reading this you legally forgo any right to unfollow me.
• I'm a nice person, but if you cross me, I will cry.
• I hope you like cats, because I have approximately eleventy billion of them.
• A baddie with a good heart.
• I'm the type of person who will accidentally drop food on the floor and then just stare at it for a while.
• I'm not antisocial, I'm selectively social.
• I'm not rude, I'm honest.
